Rounding the Bases

Rain and thunder outside of a small room

a brief tour of San Francisco comes to mind

you didn't know me then
though,

I was just as bad at making decisions.

I'm better now...

still not perfect.

My book pile is swelling again, 

driven by flight of fancy or the insistence of new friends

though-

mostly-

just good titles

and flashy covers.

A trip to Tennessee with

someone new

rainy roads

familiar corners

and still:

My hands ache 

and bleed-

one new hobby 

a tentpole in my chest;

punches driven by

a heart full of 

Small

I cant seem to decide if I'm wandering enough 

or too much.

If dinner out with friends will lead to seeing pain pull up just outside of the restaurant.

It would be hell on earth to see that smile, knowing that I would be the one to take it away.

I haven't slept for more than a few hours in more than four days,

anemic, exhausted.

I don't want to wander.

I want to go the airport and sit,

let the world wader by.

You don't see people you know in airports.

I'm getting smaller too, watches and shirts hanging on bone joints,

I don't see the point in eating when I can just cook. 

From all fast food, to some bread

and some water

tomorrow.

Letters Not Sent

I'm sorry for letting you down,

I know you can really be depressed at times
I'm really trying to understand.

You thought that there was something better out there
I get that, really
I've seen some of the sights and had a taste of
certain lives too.

But it never lasts does it?

I get that certain looks can make you forget that you have a home sometimes
that when people look at you, and you don't look back because you're afraid, or you know that it was wrong to look back

but

the fact that it was wrong made it exciting.

I'm going to let you in on something I've learned-
Rob told me this once, you know Rob, from the record shop?

He said that all those times you look back, well, those are just fantasies because
all you imagine is the good stuff, you never imagine the fights and the tears and the stress over bills and where to live-

but in the end, the fights and the stress,
that's still a team sport
and you need that person around or you're going to fall apart

quickly.

Take a second and think back to all the bad...
Now think about all the good.

One outweighs the other, right?

"Well, that's a matter of perspective" -I can hear you saying that.

I was there most of the time, there with you when you were fighting with her,
and she was right a ton of the time, you were wrong sometimes too.

...but you loved each other. The fights would always subside.

Those fantasies would only last a few days too, a couple of weeks maybe if you didn't try and shake it immediately.

You should've had the fantasies about her.
You should've danced more.
Flowers don't hurt.

Now, I'm really writing you this letter because I got yours, and I know you're hurting, that after five years of back and forth and trying and fighting, but loving too- that after all that time it only took her a few weeks to find someone to make her forget about you.

Yup, I get that, it really stings, especially when you found the clarity you talked about on the phone, in the middle of the night. You said your brain snapped in two when you saw them together; but it's too late.

It's too late.

Live now. Sleep, laugh, keep crying (maybe cry just a little less, it's getting excessive.) Maybe you'll have another chance someday, but until then you're old news. Let her go.

Harsh?

Yeah.

Reality.

Families split and never get back together.

You screwed up.

But

you can love yourself again. Forgive yourself.

I love you.

Sleepless

There is no sleep left-
chest heaving, empty;
tears
and cold feet.

I am alone here,

my family is gone.

I have been called "a cancer"
twice.

I have driven dark roads,
the only direction I knew,
screaming.

I have reached out
and been told to move on, but also
to learn,
to grow,
to pursue
to pray
to hope, and
to wait.

My chest is empty,
there are still tears,
and cold feet.

Now there are new arms around her, and

I am alone

and Sleepless

again.


Years ago there was a boy that lost a girl
now there is a man that lost a woman.

I'm not sure what to tell him
to console him when he is at his worst

he made the decision
he did what he thought was best

it was wonderful while it was there
dog
house
support
feet rubbing feet when sleep was seconds away

he thought of other women,
torn apart on the inside
fantasies, never materializing
all the good
no reality
none of the bad

she said she thought he would propose
he thought he would propose
her friends thought he would too

but doubt was there

then
one drunken evening
she said she would never start a family
she laughed at the idea
and he's the only witness

then, a few months later,

she said that his ex was right:
that he was a cancer.

...he is not a cancer
he is not a fool
he was kind of a fool

but

he was fighting for clarity
he was fighting for what he thought was right
he was fighting for what his heart ached for

and now all he is fighting for
is the ability to breathe
the ability to keep the hole in his chest from sucking in the rest of his being

he is in pain
and theres nothing to do about it but walk forward
and into the clear.

Elephant Graveyard

When I was young, I learned that 

there is a place 

where elephants go to die.

As a boy 

I thought that this was sad;

but now, as welcome grey 

wanders around my ears,

I have realized-

I don't think that they went there

knowing 

that they would expire-

but more like that man 

who climbed a very high mountain-

he,

and they, 

went

to live.

Sometimes I forget why. 

Why I'm walking

stumbling,

clawing, and

dying for an idea that even I sometimes question.

I'm doing it to live

and that's enough for now.

--------------

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 444 Castro Street, Suite 900, Mountain View, California, 94041, USA.

A Chilly Morning

Complacency flowers into compassion.

The treadmill doesn't want you and

the microwave doesn't whine so much anymore.

These things aren't pure evils.

Don't forget how to come back home.

Don't forget how to be uncomfortable.

Don't forget how to scathe,

how to ignore flirtation

and how to scorn.

Yesterdays nerves are

todays cold showers-

are tomorrows grins.

Remember the good work,

do more of it.

Remember the good coffee

drink more of it-

enjoy the bitter

shirk the sugar.

Remember the poor work.

The endless lines about the color and 

clarity

of scotch.

Remember that whiskey will always be king.

but water will always be a steady queen.

Remember that the desires of the flesh are never wrong

but aren't always right.

Remember the first time.

Remember the best of friends resemble the most pernicious viruses

cropping up

in the darkest of places 

in the most inopportune times.

Never inoculate yourself to them.

Remember that bow ties are worth the effort.

Remember to breathe

Remember to love what you do

Remember to enjoy the fall, and be always wary of

the climb.

Journal: Entry 1.

It hurts more to see the past in lively motion, 
not just a photo 
or from passive memory- 
but from a flickering film;
life looks forward
through the frame 

and not regret,
but shame
clouds into my blood.

Feelings I've long since felt,
feelings I've done my best to compact and bury,


resurface

and, for a moment,

I feel terribly, blindingly
whole.